When my son Jacob was a baby, he loved taking baths in our big hot tub. I’d get in there with him, and we’d play with Winnie the Pooh toys while he sat in a little tub chair. Jacob’s favorite thing to do was chant “bubbles, bubbles, bubbles!” over and over again until I turned on the tub jets. First we’d spill a little shampoo into the water and when the jets would come on, the tub would quickly fill with a massive layer of bubbles. He’d giggle hysterically, and Vicki and I would crack up as well.
One night, I was in the tub with Jacob, and Vicki was outside the tub helping me wash him. He started his bubble chant, and I obeyed. Right after the bubbles started growing Jacob got a strange look on his face. His eyes squinted and his mouth pulled tight around the edges. Time seemed to slow down as it does when you watch a terrifying event unfold. This was his poop face, and this was NOT the time or place for the poop face. Turns out…it was his diarrhea face.
I watched horrified as a huge cloud formed beneath my son. It was like watching the Space Shuttle lift off, only brown. As it started floating up, I sadly realized what was about to happen. The evil cloud hit the tub intake jets and our calm nighttime bath became a massive cafe’ latte with extra foam. The entire tub was filled with doodie in a matter of seconds, covering Jacob and myself in a thick layer. I was so stunned, I couldn’t speak. Apparently neither could Vicki, as she was laughing too hard to make a sound. I immediately grabbed Jacob and handed him to her. I jumped out of the tub, literally, and into the shower. I turned the water on, not even caring what the temperature was. I started frantically scrubbing and crying “eww…ewww…ewwwww” over and over.
We got Jacob cleaned up, and into bed with Vicki. I went to work on the tub. Once the poop soup was drained, the tub looked like a week old coffee filter, but sadly didn’t smell like one. I choked back gag reflexes as I cleaned it all out. As I was disinfecting, I laughed to myself thinking about how quickly a bath can go wrong.
When the hazmat team declared the bathroom safe, I got in bed with Vicki and Jacob. Jacob was asleep in Vicki’s arms as she fed him. Apparently destroying a bathroom in 3 seconds is a tough job. Cleaning up after the destruction is also tough, so I fell asleep as well.
A few hours later we were gently awoken by Jacob projectile vomiting his dinner all over Vicki. Just Vicki. Not a drop on me. She grabbed him and headed to the shower while I said something helpful like “nngh okay, i’m up…what the…ewwww” and changed the sheets, but that’s another story…